Learning Lessons

For the last 3 months, I have had an incredible and overwhelming sense of guilt. I feel horrible that I have been unable to care for my Little Man like a normal Mommy should. For the first 16 month of Brooks' life, I took care of a large chunk of his daily life. Don't get me wrong, I am incredibly blessed to have a tremendous "hands-on" husband who is a terrific Daddy. That being said, the typcial day-to-day stuff like bath time, dinner, and nursing boo-boos generally fell in my lap. And I love(d) every.single.second.of.it. If you had asked me five years ago if I wanted to be a stay at home Mom, I probably would have said no. Sure, not working would be great; but, play dates, craft projects, and mid-day trips scurrying around town with kids in tow just didn't feel like "me." And don't get me started on the word "mini-van."

2 years ago, even when I was pregnant, I knew those feelings had been thrown out the window. Now I am selfish. I want to share things with my kids. I want to savor every chance I can, watching them learn and explore. I want to witness their firsts: from words to boo boos to the wild imgination of wonder coming from a toddler.

Reasonbly speaking, we knew I could not stay home and maintain the lifestyle we love. For one, I enjoy modern ammentities, like central air conditioning and without a job, having a great house, in a wonderful neighborhood, with perks like an occasional pricy steak or a tropical retreat getaway would be unheard of... Not to mention diapers.

Once Brooks was born, I fell in love with an entirely different world that, until that point, never knew existed. Its cliche, but its true... You have no idea how much you can love another person. I cried and cried for weeks before I had to go back to work. I knew there was nothing we could do, but that didn't make it any easier or less painful. I knew each day I risked going to work and driving away as others witnessed his "firsts." It was a little easier knowing a family friend (and then my Mom) were keeping B.

Now as we face putting him in "school," its killing me all over again. My brain can wrap around the concept that structure is good for a child... A being around kids his age helps build many characterics he needs for sustainment. I also know he needs to learn how to listen to others, not throw toys, and to share. And generally speaking, needs a life outside this house. But my Mommy brain says, "who gives a shit."

Yes, I just said that.